Redefining Emotions

This week, I have spent a lot of time thinking about how grief has affected my emotions. It seems like my emotions have been redefined by grief. It hasn't surprised me that feelings like sadness have been intensified. What has surprised me is how grief has tempered feelings of excitement and joy.

For example, I mentioned in my last post that I wasn't excited during a time when I expected to be -- and others expected me to be -- elated.

I remember similar feelings when I attended the Beth Moore conference in August. One of the things that I found interesting was how I could sing about the goodness of God with tears streaming down my face, but I could not "Celebrate Good Times" during the "Dance Party" before the third session and had to walk out with tears streaming down my face.

This week, I experienced another example of this. During the ice-breaker at LifeGroup, we were asked to name something we love, something we hate, and something that always makes us laugh.  Everyone's answers were lighthearted and not serious at all (people were naming things like ice cream and coconut, not their spouses or children). I couldn't think of anything lighthearted at all...all I could think of was that I love my girl, I hate cancer, and nothing makes me laugh right now. I took a pass when my turn came around. The first two answers, though true, were way too difficult to verbalize. As for the latter, I honestly could not think of anything that has made me laugh recently. I know I have laughed in the last four months, but I could not pinpoint anything in particular...it would be safe to assume that it probably had something to do with a baby or child, but my head didn't even go there.

The final catalyst for this blog post has been the constant question, "Are you excited about your move?" as the closing date on my new condo quickly approaches. To be perfectly honest, I can't say that I am excited...what I can say is that I'm looking forward to it.

As I continue to do the grief work and keep moving forward, I know that one day my emotions will once again be redefined.

"Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning."

~ Psalm 30:5 ~