To Sleep, Perchance to Dream...

...ay, there's the rub.

Don't worry, this post is all about literal sleep (or a lack thereof) and not the figurative sleep Hamlet implied.

During the first month of grieving, there were several nights that I had trouble falling asleep because my mind wouldn't shut off. Normally, it is a rare night that I have trouble falling asleep and I find that I'm able to fall asleep as soon as I write down whatever I'm thinking about...not so during those first few weeks. For example, I remember replaying everything I said over and over wondering if I shared everything I needed to the night of KK's Celebration of Life. Thoughts such as these weren't things I could just write down and be done with them.

The other thing that interrupted my sleep during the first month was a couple horrible dreams. I can count on one hand the amount of dreams I remember throughout my life...these dreams I can't forget. The first dream was short, but memorable. In the dream, I was yelling at KK and woke up with an intense feeling of anger. When I realized it was a dream, I felt awful and was unable to fall back to sleep. The second dream was much more detailed, but the details were all wrong. In the dream, KK was reading in the dark (no night light or other ambient light) in the futon bed (which she hadn't slept in since January) way past her bedtime. I was mad and started quickly slapping her face (her hair was short and fuzzy like when it started growing in) until she put the book down. I told her to go to the bathroom since she was already awake. As she walked to the bathroom, I noticed she was dragging her left leg (she had right-sided weakness, not left) and asked if she was having a seizure. She turned to look at me and nodded her head yes. I woke up at that point and just cried. Needless to say, I couldn't go back to sleep. As I tried to process the why behind these dreams, I reasoned that it was the "anger" part of grief coming out subconsciously.

So now you can understand why I wrote this back in June:

Finally, don't text or call early in the morning or late at night even if you know the person is a morning person or night owl. I'll say it again, grieving is exhausting. Sleep is a precious thing and sometimes it doesn't come easily.

Thankfully, I haven't had any more dreams like those. I haven't had nights where my mind is racing either. However, I have not slept through the night in weeks. I am waking up multiple times each night and having trouble falling back to sleep at least one of those times. I have never had trouble sleeping like this for such an extended period of time. I am so tired. I have tried taking naps in the evening. I have tried not taking naps in the evening. I have tried going to bed earlier. I have tried going to bed later. I have taken supplements. I have begun diffusing essential oils. Please pray for restful and restorative sleep.