tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-55514831911338107492024-02-02T01:07:40.287-05:00Chosen and Loved: A blog about adoption, parenting, & living with a GBM brain tumor.For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will - to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves. (Ephesians 1:4-6)Chosen and Lovedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16464033557689642653noreply@blogger.comBlogger330125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5551483191133810749.post-25151739254616952032019-01-24T23:59:00.003-05:002019-01-25T09:55:37.753-05:00To Comfort Others<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, </i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, </i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>who comforts us in all our troubles, </i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. </i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>2 Corinthians 1:3-4</i></div>
<i></i><br />
What a privilege and honor it was to visit Manhattan Christian Academy today to speak with an amazing group of sixth, seventh and eighth graders.<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>To share KK's story.</li>
<li>To share my story.</li>
<li>To cry.</li>
<li>To laugh.</li>
<li>To recall that God knows the number of our days and cancer (or a heart attack) can't change that.</li>
<li>To speak into their lives.</li>
<li>To listen.</li>
<li>To remember both KK and Mr. Hobbs (I'm sure I would have liked the self-proclaimed "Black Brady").</li>
<li>To comfort one another.</li>
<li>To hug (yes, to hug).</li>
<li>To give them permission to be sad or even angry in their grief.</li>
<li>To remind them to talk to God about how they're feeling -- even if their anger is directed at Him -- because He has big shoulders and can handle it.</li>
<li>To make it clear that sickness, death and disease were never part of God's plan, but having them spend eternity with Him is.</li>
<li>To advise them to continue to talk to their teachers and to support one another.</li>
<li>And, ultimately, to share God's story of redemption. </li>
</ul>
Chosen and Lovedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16464033557689642653noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5551483191133810749.post-37427367926832540202019-01-23T23:56:00.000-05:002019-01-25T00:32:16.201-05:00Oh, The Places You'll GoOn Monday of last week, I let my boss know that I would be taking Thursday, January 24 as my day off since the MLK Jr. holiday landed on my normal day off. I didn't have anything special planned for the day except to rest (something I've been learning to plan into my schedule). Little did I know what was to come. <br />
<br />
The next day, I received an email from a friend that listened to the <a href="https://www.bethanyneedham.com/shownotes/2018/12/17/trusting-our-god-who-gives-amp-takes-away-with-tanya-legro-s3-e12" target="_blank">Hey Girl! episode</a> (where I shared my journey) on Monday morning. When he was driving home that night, he had a "crazy idea" to ask me if I would be willing to share my story with students at a Christian school in New York City that are struggling with the sudden loss of a beloved teacher/coach. He wondered if I would be available "next week" on Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday.<br />
<br />
As soon as I received the email, I knew that God had orchestrated the details so that this "crazy idea" would coincide with my extra day off. So tomorrow I head into NYC to listen, to mourn with those who mourn, and to share how I grieve with Hope.<br />
<br />
When I went to counseling yesterday, I told Dr. Chuck about all that had transpired since the last time we met before Christmas...about how I shared my story on Bethany's podcast as well as the opportunity to go to NYC. I marveled at how God redeems everything if we allow Him to. He asked, "What else are you open to doing?" I answered, "Whatever God has planned."Chosen and Lovedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16464033557689642653noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5551483191133810749.post-37844011361800258582018-12-17T10:14:00.000-05:002019-01-23T23:57:22.914-05:00We Interrupt This SilenceI had the opportunity to sit down a couple months ago with my "daughter" (long story) Bethany Needham, the host of the Hey Girl! podcast... and today the episode went live! <a href="https://www.bethanyneedham.com/shownotes/" target="_blank">Check it out</a>.<br />
<br />
Spoiler alert: I share some things that have been happening in the last few months that I have yet to share here.Chosen and Lovedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16464033557689642653noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5551483191133810749.post-28546821837764625942018-11-02T00:31:00.000-04:002018-11-02T12:46:42.044-04:00Alternative Treatments - Week 3 of HospiceAs week 2 ended and I realized KK was able to assist with her own care again, I spoke with PACT about bringing her home to die. In order to do so, they would have to wean her off the morphine by switching to methadone. They gave her one dose of methadone and she didn't seem to do well. The timing of it made me think that it was some sort of reaction, but her team insisted it was just the disease's progression. Either way, I decided against the methadone...which meant we weren't going home. <br />
<br />
One of the side effects of morphine is constipation. By week 3, KK's abdomen was greatly distended. The nurses tried giving her enemas, but they didn't help very much. I talked to the team about giving her a coffee colonic. They said they couldn't administer it, but they were okay if I wanted to try. So I texted our friend Roxana at <a href="http://bodybalancingcenter.com/" target="_blank">Body Balancing Center</a> where KK went for colonics. She brought all the supplies to the hospital and helped me administer a coffee colonic right there in her room...which brought KK instant relief. <br />
<br />
I knew of a natural protocol (<a href="https://www.cancertutor.com/msm_cs/" target="_blank">MSM water and Colloidal Silver</a>) that could help with pain management with fewer side effects than morphine and methadone, in addition to being a last ditch effort to battle the tumor. I overnighted the ingredients and stealthily administered them to KK. As we titrated up on the MSM and CS, we were able to taper down a bit on the morphine. <br />
<br />
I also decided to begin ordering options as close to vegan as I could for KK. She constantly amazed the staff with how happy she was to have a veggie burger, mashed potatoes, and carrots or beans.<br />
<br />
KK kept asking to have a bath. I knew what she wanted was what we called a detox bath with Epsom salts and essential oils. Unfortunately, all she got was a sponge bath.<br />
<br />
All the while, KK kept telling nurses about alternative treatments and high dose vitamin C. She would explain, "You should look into it. I surpassed the median survival range using it. If you have any questions, you can ask my mom."<br />
<br />
As I look back on our journey, I know that the alternative treatments did not extend her life (God knew the number of her days and <a href="https://chosenandloved.blogspot.com/2015/07/cancer-cant-change-that.html" target="_blank">cancer</a> or <a href="https://chosenandloved.blogspot.com/2016/10/i-cant-change-that.html" target="_blank">the treatments I chose</a> couldn't change that), but I believe they improved the quality of her life to the very end.Chosen and Lovedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16464033557689642653noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5551483191133810749.post-5311838217002736552018-11-01T00:29:00.000-04:002018-11-01T23:42:51.149-04:00A Treat - Week 2 of HospiceI am still not sure what happened as our second week in hospice began except to say God graciously gave me a "treat" when KK woke up -- her voice strong and ready to eat and drink. <br />
<br />
One of the (many) things that made me cry during the first week in hospice when KK wasn't eating was that she never got her <a href="https://chosenandloved.blogspot.com/2016/06/all-figured-out.html" target="_blank">burger</a>. KK had it all planned out -- since she was eating a vegan diet with no processed foods, she would eat a burger once the cancer was cured or when there was no more hope. Her doctor even said he would buy her one when she was ready. <br />
<br />
So, when KK woke up ready to eat and drink as week 2 began, I decided to order some of her favorite foods. The first thing I ordered was pizza. KK was so happy as she started eating it, then she turned to me and asked, "Is this gluten free?" I said no. She then asked, "Is this a treat?" When I said no again, you could see her processing what that meant and she started to cry. Since I had told her that I would always tell her the truth, I explained everything that was going on. At the next meal, I ordered more of her favorites. As she ate, she asked, "Is this a treat?" At this point I realized that she didn't remember our previous conversation due to her short-term memory loss. I couldn't bring myself to say no again. Since I already told her the whole truth earlier, I said yes...which, if you think about it, wasn't a lie either.<br />
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-3IPIcU3_7lQh8aEoF4LlqfhTsfc9OqD4e9LTRx9D8vQdjTpr2VcyS914nw17Hc4-0dCP1sHjziYG21JbuBWKO38jmQxv6n7WYAjPe2l50BUtuJQedkycJQX1jEW-Luz-aO21XfeJldw/s1600/KK+and+Naomi.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="651" data-original-width="368" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-3IPIcU3_7lQh8aEoF4LlqfhTsfc9OqD4e9LTRx9D8vQdjTpr2VcyS914nw17Hc4-0dCP1sHjziYG21JbuBWKO38jmQxv6n7WYAjPe2l50BUtuJQedkycJQX1jEW-Luz-aO21XfeJldw/s200/KK+and+Naomi.jpg" width="112" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><div>
Singing <i>Jesus Loves Me</i> </div>
<div>
to baby Naomi</div>
</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
At the end of the week, we had an extra special treat when my friend Terri flew in from Michigan with her new baby, Naomi. Every time I tried to hold Naomi she would cry. Not so with KK...KK and Naomi had an instant bond. One time when Naomi was crying for me, I placed her in KK's arms, and, as per her usual, KK started sweetly singing <i>Jesus Loves Me</i> and Naomi instantly settled. Another time when KK was holding Naomi, she asked me if I would like to hold her. I told her that she would probably start crying, but KK insisted that she wouldn't. Almost as soon as I picked her up, Naomi began to cry...it was almost comical. I conceded defeat and allowed KK to enjoy all the baby snuggles. Chosen and Lovedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16464033557689642653noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5551483191133810749.post-77025696734119983312018-10-31T00:48:00.000-04:002019-02-15T13:24:01.613-05:00Bedside Vigil - Week 1 of HospiceIn the wee hours of Monday, May 1, KK was transferred from the ER to a room on the ninth floor. A room just a couple doors down from the one we stayed in 2 years earlier. The charge nurse remembered us and did everything she could to make us feel as comfortable as possible. At that point, I sent my parents home to get a couple hours of rest.<br />
<br />
I advocated for my girl every step of the way. <br />
<ul>
<li>They offered to hook her up to monitors, but I declined as I didn't see a need for monitors since there were advanced directives in place.</li>
<li>KK was in a lot of pain the first couple of days. KK never complained about being in pain, but I knew the pain had to be intense just by how grumpy and snappy she was. Her team kept trying to get it under control with morphine, but it wasn't working. I talked to PACT (Pediatric Advanced Care Team) about changing the steroids schedule from every 12 hours to every 8 hours in order to control the swelling in her brain. As soon as they did, we didn't have to use as much morphine and KK wasn't as lethargic. Though still weak, she was back to being her sweet and sassy self.</li>
<li>We had some amazing nurses...then again, we had a couple that I wanted to send packing. I absolutely loved the night shift nurses that came and went throughout the night without waking KK or me. Then there were the ones that insisted on turning KK throughout the night (so she wouldn't get bedsores) or waking her up to ask her if she needed to be changed. When her doctor made the rounds after experiencing the latter kind of nurse for the first time, I asked him, "Do the nurses have palliative care training? Don't they realize that bedsores are the least of our concerns?" He admitted that they all could use some training in end of life care.</li>
</ul>
<br />
The first week of hospice found us keeping vigil by KK's bedside. I fully expected that any minute could be her last. My parents as well as the staff at Chapel spent many hours with us, while a few friends took turns doing the night shift with me so my parents would feel comfortable enough to go home to get some rest. KK wasn't eating and only had sips of water here and there throughout the week. There were multiple times when there would be a pause in KK's breathing when we thought "this is it". We spent hours just singing to and with KK...of course, <i>Jesus Loves Me</i> was at the top of our setlist. I will never forget the conversations that we had that week -- from the sweet, to the sassy, to the spiritual.<br />
<br />
Here's a glimpse of the sweetness...<br />
<ul>
<li>KK was sure to say, "Thank you for helping me" to every PCA, nurse, and doctor...even when she was grumpy and in pain.</li>
<li>She shared "special KK hugs" with the nurses so they could give them to other kids "even when they didn't deserve them".</li>
<li>She reminded me to tell her birth mom that she loved her and forgave her and that she would always have a special place in her heart.</li>
<li>My sweet girl said, "Thank you mommy for choosing me. Thank you for sharing Jesus with me."</li>
</ul>
<br />
Oh, the sass...she had us all laughing at her one-liners. Here are a couple of classics...<br />
<ul>
<li>After her medicine pump was beeping for quite a while and a nurse finally came in to shut it off, KK quipped, "That beeping is frustrating. Don't you know I'm trying to die here?"</li>
<li>When the staff were leaving one afternoon, Andy told KK to ask God if the Patriots were going to win any more Super Bowls. Pastor Derek followed by asking her to find out if the Chiefs would ever win one. As clear as day, KK said, "I never really thought of the Chiefs as real competitors."</li>
</ul>
<br />
As for the spiritual...<br />
<ul>
<li>KK was adamant when she told the doctors, "When I die, don't bring me back. I'm going to be in a better place."</li>
<li>At one point, I told KK that she didn't have to fight anymore and that she could go to Jesus. With a little frustration in her voice, she said, "God said 'No, ma'am. Not yet.'" I laughed at the thought that God said "No, ma'am" as I had taught KK to respond with "No, ma'am/No, sir" and "Yes, ma'am/Yes, sir" when she first came to live with me.</li>
<li>KK kept asking about heaven. I would describe heaven from what I knew from the Bible, but she kept asking, "What do you see?" It finally dawned on me to ask her, "What do you see?" She said, "Mom, I see your spirit and your spirit is strong." Oh what a beautiful glimpse into eternity. Since we think so finitely in these mortal bodies, we forget that time is different in heaven. On this side of heaven, I wait to see my baby girl again. To her, I am already there. </li>
</ul>
<div>
<br />
And the conversation that I will remember the most...</div>
<ul>
<li>I told KK, "I promise I will tell Mommy Paulette (her birth mom) that you love her and forgive her. And I promise that <a href="https://chosenandloved.blogspot.com/2016/05/tell-them-about-me.html" target="_blank">I will adopt again</a>." As soon as I said that, KK reached for <a href="https://chosenandloved.blogspot.com/2008/08/love-and-hurt.html" target="_blank">her necklace</a> that says "Love like you've never been hurt". To which I responded with tears streaming down my face, "And I will love like I've never been hurt."</li>
</ul>
Chosen and Lovedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16464033557689642653noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5551483191133810749.post-64931163747863741892018-10-30T07:23:00.000-04:002018-10-30T12:26:25.829-04:00The Day I Went Radio SilentI just read the last posts I wrote before I went radio silent when KK was admitted to the hospital for the last time... <br />
<br />
<a href="https://chosenandloved.blogspot.com/2017/04/a-great-day.html" target="_blank">On April 27, 2017</a>, I wrote:<br />
<br />
<div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
...this week, I trust that God will continue to lead us no matter what the MRI reveals.</blockquote>
We didn't make it to the scheduled MRI on May 3.</div>
<br />
On Sunday, April 30, KK and I went to church. It was Chapel Family Sunday and I had to speak during both worship services. KK did what she loved most during first service -- she loved on the babies in the nursery. During second service, she sat with me in the sanctuary and laid her head on my shoulder, trying not to fall asleep. <br />
<br />
It was a pretty low key afternoon as KK took a nap and enjoyed a long bath. As I tucked her in bed around 7pm, I told her, "I'm going to come in and check on you in a little while because I'm worried about you." When I went to check on her an hour later, she didn't budge. I figured she was just in a deep sleep and would check on her in another hour or so. At 9:30, I went in to check on her and get her up to go to the bathroom. Again, she didn't respond to my voice or my nudging. I turned on the light and she eventually opened her eyes. However, she wasn't able to sit up. I called Dana Farber. While I waited for the doctor on call to return my call, I was able to get KK to sit up in bed. The doctor said I needed to bring KK to Children's Hospital and that I could call for an ambulance to bring her there if need be. I called my parents and told them I needed them to come immediately. KK and I worked together to get her down the three stairs of her <a href="https://chosenandloved.blogspot.com/2017/01/new-accomodations.html" target="_blank">loft bed</a> and to the living room where we were able to get her shoes and jacket on. I put a few more things in our hospital bag then helped KK painstakingly down the stairs and to the car where we waited about 5 minutes before my parents arrived. <a href="https://chosenandloved.blogspot.com/2017/04/heading-to-childrens.html" target="_blank">As we waited</a>, I wrote:<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
We are heading to Children's for an emergency MRI. Prayers appreciated.</blockquote>
In the emergency room, KK needed to be changed and for the first time (at least while she was conscious) she was unable to assist in the process. When KK was unable to "bridge", I realized that KK's final days would be spent in the hospital. Previously, KK had stated that she wanted to <a href="https://chosenandloved.blogspot.com/2016/03/hard-conversations.html" target="_blank">die at home</a> if at all possible, but she understood if it wasn't possible. Unfortunately, I knew that I wouldn't be able to care for her by myself at home and hospice care only provided a nurse to assist in the morning and evening. So once the <a href="https://chosenandloved.blogspot.com/2017/05/progression.html" target="_blank">MR vent check</a> revealed what we already knew, I told the doctors that we would need to do hospice at the hospital.Chosen and Lovedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16464033557689642653noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5551483191133810749.post-48230766502241620982018-10-30T05:59:00.000-04:002018-10-30T12:28:26.136-04:003:38am Wake Up Call<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2O4BLOSRKzTnykKM1zNwoNXlyDRMmNBr7njtB4-TDAp6EnKrRvhj4kP-Cic6ZRvPH1h19ImzEHiRXRJTrbaxBcmm4SIURSIKJ8zGUaOjmSPuWiNQTE2VTFHpxGQezsNMxffpTz8F5lZE/s1600/breakfast+of+champions.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; clear: right; color: #0066cc; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; orphans: 2; text-align: center; text-decoration: underline; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2O4BLOSRKzTnykKM1zNwoNXlyDRMmNBr7njtB4-TDAp6EnKrRvhj4kP-Cic6ZRvPH1h19ImzEHiRXRJTrbaxBcmm4SIURSIKJ8zGUaOjmSPuWiNQTE2VTFHpxGQezsNMxffpTz8F5lZE/s200/breakfast+of+champions.jpg" width="150" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Breakfast of Champions</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Here's the reason I needed to get away to process and blog about KK's final weeks...<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2O4BLOSRKzTnykKM1zNwoNXlyDRMmNBr7njtB4-TDAp6EnKrRvhj4kP-Cic6ZRvPH1h19ImzEHiRXRJTrbaxBcmm4SIURSIKJ8zGUaOjmSPuWiNQTE2VTFHpxGQezsNMxffpTz8F5lZE/s1600/breakfast+of+champions.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a>It is 5:24am and I am sitting here with my breakfast ready to write.<br />
<b></b><i></i><u></u><sub></sub><sup></sup><strike></strike><br />
I know this is not an unreasonable time to get up for most, but it is crazy early for me (especially on vacation). The kicker is that I have actually been up since 3:38am after going to bed well after midnight. I laid in bed for almost an hour and a half unable to go back to sleep as I formed blogposts in my head while tears streamed onto my pillow before I finally decided it was time to get up and start writing. <br />
<br />
<br />Chosen and Lovedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16464033557689642653noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5551483191133810749.post-65423924602288671352018-10-29T23:27:00.000-04:002018-10-30T05:58:48.104-04:00A Daunting TaskI can hardly believe that it has been 10 months since I have posted anything here. I have taken to Instagram here and there throughout the year, but I have not been able to muster up the energy to write the blog posts I "need" to write. I know I need to process KK's final weeks in order to "<a href="https://chosenandloved.blogspot.com/2017/08/keep-moving-forward.html" target="_blank">keep moving forward</a>". I process best by writing, but the emotional wherewithal it would take to do so seemed too daunting. I have found simply writing a short caption under a photo on Instagram to be emotionally draining.<br />
<br />
I have continued to go to counseling with <a href="http://hopepsych.org/" target="_blank">Dr. Chuck</a>, but our time together is mainly spent on how to deal with what is in front of me. I shared with him that I needed to find time to blog when I didn't have to worry about having the energy for everything else in life. He suggested that I check out a place called <a href="https://www.foresthavennh.org/" target="_blank">Forest Haven</a> in New Hampshire. Forest Haven is a small retreat for those in ministry to go to free of charge. I contacted them to see if they had availability for the last week in October... and they did! So I drove up to Bradford, NH this afternoon and am ready to face the daunting task before me. <br />
<br />
Stay tuned...Chosen and Lovedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16464033557689642653noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5551483191133810749.post-54974848905445762582017-12-29T20:27:00.000-05:002018-01-03T17:51:26.278-05:00Making It ThroughIt hasn't been pretty, but here I am on the other side of Christmas day. As mentioned <a href="https://chosenandloved.blogspot.com/2017/09/looking-ahead.html" target="_blank">here</a> and <a href="https://chosenandloved.blogspot.com/2017/11/loaded-questionsthey-just-keep-coming.html" target="_blank">here</a>, I have been trying to prepare for the moments that I know are going to be hard so there are fewer events that blindside me.<br />
<br />
Here are the moments for which I prepared surrounding my first Christmas without KK...<br />
<div>
<b><br /></b></div>
<div>
<b>Christmas Tree</b></div>
<div>
When I first thought about getting a Christmas tree, I couldn't figure out if I wanted to get a real tree, get an artificial one, or no tree at all. I wasn't sure if I would have the energy to deal with the upkeep of a real tree and I didn't want to invest in an artificial tree even if I could find one that I liked (I can't stand the feel of the fake needles). After talking this through with Dr. Chuck, I decided to enlist my parents' help in getting a real tree. Growing up, there had to be snow on the ground (or rain in the air) in order to get our tree then we went to multiple lots looking for the perfect tree. As far as following traditions go, KK and I almost always ended up getting a tree on a snowy day in mid-December when school was cancelled...I refused to go to a thousand different places though. My mom kept asking when we were going to get the tree and I joked that there had to be snow on the ground. As soon as the Christmas musical was over (and there was snow on the ground), I knew it was time to face the hard...so I made plans with my parents to get the tree that Wednesday after work. I had a really bad day at work that morning and ended up leaving early. Since I was already having a bad day, I figured I might as well put myself out of my misery and called to see if my parents would mind getting the tree earlier. They came down right away and we got a nice tree just down the road. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I knew that decorating the tree was going to be hard as well, so I asked a couple friends for their help before I even bought the tree. As the week that I got the Christmas tree continued to spiral downward, I decided that people didn't need to be subjected to the ugliness that was in my head and cancelled their help. I put the lights and garland on because I knew I needed a little light in the middle of this dark season. As I started to go through the bin of ornaments, I couldn't bring myself to put them on the tree. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6XbNBH0T0z0ktnHS1MuiSqICo2-IVFbpUr9szIbQFPUowqW3vMpeNMGqRM7hgG9E_C2F8L_mXld04nnOICmrwfbHevB7lwTQeBeMLpMjdM5EyK6TVcXVq6BecC6C8Heg22PpCKAVHtMI/s1600/IMAG3146.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="905" data-original-width="1600" height="181" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6XbNBH0T0z0ktnHS1MuiSqICo2-IVFbpUr9szIbQFPUowqW3vMpeNMGqRM7hgG9E_C2F8L_mXld04nnOICmrwfbHevB7lwTQeBeMLpMjdM5EyK6TVcXVq6BecC6C8Heg22PpCKAVHtMI/s320/IMAG3146.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b>Christmas Presents </b></div>
<div>
I decided that I wasn't doing presents this year. It took me a while to communicate this to my parents. My poor mom called about a week before Christmas to find out what I wanted to have for Christmas dinner and what products I needed so she could fill my stocking. After we talked about food options, I blurted out that I didn't want to do any presents this year just before she was going to ask what I needed/wanted. She seemed a little confused as to what else we could do. I told her we could still eat and we could play games, but I would not be doing gifts.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
The idea of buying gifts required too much energy. I have to admit that I have never enjoyed shopping...add in shopping amongst people preparing to celebrate Christmas with their families and I was ready to curl up in bed until December 26.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
The idea of giving gifts required too much thought. Grief takes up way too much brain space (I've started another blog post about this that I have yet to finish) leaving nothing for me to figure out what someone else might want or need. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
The idea of receiving and opening gifts required too much happy pretense. To be honest, every gift I found on my "desk" at work had me in tears.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b>Christmas Day</b></div>
<div>
When snow was in the forecast for Christmas morning, my mom asked if I wanted to go over their house after the Christmas Eve Candlelight Services and stay overnight. I said no. I guess I didn't articulate very clearly that I didn't want to "celebrate" Christmas and December 25 needed to be just another day.<br />
<br />
Once the snow stopped and the streets were clear, I drove to their house. We had delicious (because mom cooked, not me!) food and played two full rounds of Mexican Train (mom won the first, I won the second...thanks, Dad, for the games!).<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQ3vr2Ky2vOOfOwMmO6_rn7DjZwgmYBvGGbceLMNqj1SN7gr-ruiVdSpfqurLXKUxC9_h8ZK4-JcWCvxoKCReIHxTWNUzXCPkoTSS-wnNKa1ZfDeaD0oTRNI-2-2PSZE3NZetU1aU-I74/s1600/IMAG3144.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="905" data-original-width="1600" height="181" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQ3vr2Ky2vOOfOwMmO6_rn7DjZwgmYBvGGbceLMNqj1SN7gr-ruiVdSpfqurLXKUxC9_h8ZK4-JcWCvxoKCReIHxTWNUzXCPkoTSS-wnNKa1ZfDeaD0oTRNI-2-2PSZE3NZetU1aU-I74/s320/IMAG3144.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Games are serious business around here!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
After the games were over, my dad started to set up the tripod and camera in front of their Christmas tree. I simply stated, "No pictures." I didn't want to celebrate the day, let alone memorialize it with a photo.<br />
<br />
If you were among the people that texted me on December 25, thank you for your kind wishes and your prayers. I chose not to respond to those texts because I was not celebrating a merry Christmas and not because I didn't appreciate your thoughtfulness.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b>Between Christmas and New Year's Day</b></div>
<div>
The plan (or, rather, the prescription from my psychologist 😉) for the rest of this week has been to rest. I have taken this plan very seriously -- sleeping 10 hours per night in addition to a few good naps.</div>
Chosen and Lovedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16464033557689642653noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5551483191133810749.post-38474039130222807292017-12-28T17:09:00.001-05:002017-12-29T11:58:10.175-05:00Pushing ThroughOn the first Sunday evening in December, Chapel has its annual Soup and Bread Potluck and Carol Sing. I went into church that day and shared that I was feeling conflicted about pushing through this event. My heart was saying, "This is going to be too much."; my head and my work ethic said, "This is your job. Suck it up and push through." I knew that there were going to be many events during December that I would have to push through and didn't necessarily feel this was one of them.<br />
<br />
I was not pressured either way and decided I wasn't going to go. However, we had not talked about or planned for the kids' area that we tried last year and I started getting texts about what needed to be done. I realized it would be easier for me to go and do it myself than to try to think through each detail and explain it to someone else.<br />
<br />
I did okay until the song "White Christmas" was chosen and the memories overwhelmed me. Memories of a 7-year old KK surprising a waitress at Bertucci's as she sang every word of the song "Sisters" as it played. Memories of us Christmas caroling where an elderly gentleman asked for the song "White Christmas" (which was not on our song sheets) and KK confidently began singing. As the memories came, so did the tears. I could no longer do my job so I told someone on my way out that the kids needed someone to look after them and I left.<br />
<br />
I adamantly told the staff that I knew I shouldn't have gone when we debriefed about the event on Tuesday. When I recounted the events of the day to Dr. Chuck on Thursday, he stopped me and told me that he was proud of me for going. I was caught off guard since I thought for sure that he would agree that this was one event that I didn't need to push through. He said that if I had not gone at all then it would be that much harder to go next year.<br />
<br />
Touché, Dr. Chuck. Touché.Chosen and Lovedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16464033557689642653noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5551483191133810749.post-57231428540849318852017-11-30T21:40:00.000-05:002017-11-30T21:40:02.170-05:00AmazedAfter waiting to see how the cliffhanger I mentioned in the <a href="https://chosenandloved.blogspot.com/2017/11/prepare-to-be-amazed.html" target="_blank">last post</a> would end, I meant to post this back in October, but I have been a little busy...<br />
<br />
<br />
Not having the mortgage commitment letter by the date listed in the purchase and sales agreement created a few problems...<br />
<br />
As mentioned previously, I wouldn't have a door to go through in 2 weeks since I had given my landlords notice that I would be moving out on October 15. They had already shown the apartment and had new tenants lined up to move in once I moved out. I asked if there was any chance I could stay one more week. Thankfully, they graciously said yes.<br />
<br />
I also had to ask the seller for an extension. After talking with the new lender, he thought we could have the mortgage commitment letter by October 17 and close by October 27 (a very quick turnaround). I wasn't sure if the seller would approve an extension or not. He had every right to refuse the extension and keep my deposit. We explained that I was working with a new lender and would be putting down an additional 5%. Thankfully, he saw that as a sign of good faith and agreed to the extension.<br />
<br />
If you've done the math as I did, you know that this left me with 5 days when I would literally be homeless. I asked some people to pray and a few of them kindly offered me a room to stay in if I needed it.<br />
<br />
I talked through possibilities with my wonderful realtor and we came up with 2 scenarios to present to the seller:<br />
<br />
<ol>
<li>allow me to move in on October 22 and I would pay the HOA fees for October </li>
<li>allow me to move my stuff in on October 22 and I would pay the cost of storing my things for a week</li>
</ol>
<br />
Before she could present these scenarios to the seller's representative, they called her and offered to let me move in on October 15 for less than the cost of the HOA fees. Since I was a little gun-shy after the issues with getting a mortgage commitment letter the first time, I didn't feel right about moving in before having the letter in hand. We agreed to a move in date of October 21 with a caveat that I would be out of the condo on October 31 if things did not work out. <br />
<br />
Unfortunately, there was a delay in getting the mortgage commitment letter by October 17 and we had to ask the seller for another extension. From my understanding, the seller's lawyer advised him not to agree to another extension. He did not sign a formal extension and didn't give us a verbal answer either way, so we continued to work with the lender to get the mortgage commitment letter as soon as possible. We finally got the "clear to close" on Friday, October 20 just in time to move in the next day.<br />
<br />
A great group of people from Chapel met me at the condo Friday night to clean the walls, floors, and kitchen. On Saturday, more amazing friends from Chapel and one of KK's friends from HCA and her mom helped me move my hoard in record time. With the looming move out date of October 31 if things didn't work out, I had them stack most of the boxes downstairs in the "in-law suite" and planned to live out of boxes until the closing.<br />
<br />
Finally, on Friday, October 27, I became the proud owner of a 30-year mortgage and began the process of cleaning, painting and unpacking. Here are a few pics some of you may recognize from Instagram...<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhktxDweRUMnxOlYqDi_BgXTUkHMa6xTBUoU7vOW5YfNx7tuLRi5AA63mp8XjEeL6cOFDGP1UqR6sVhRTIcRkKxkVGzrgYWy2ct-WfqcFKcWxrzCQ_xMalkuJIUkN6r0FgKnA4c1iCYRK8/s1600/IMAG3059.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="905" data-original-width="1600" height="181" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhktxDweRUMnxOlYqDi_BgXTUkHMa6xTBUoU7vOW5YfNx7tuLRi5AA63mp8XjEeL6cOFDGP1UqR6sVhRTIcRkKxkVGzrgYWy2ct-WfqcFKcWxrzCQ_xMalkuJIUkN6r0FgKnA4c1iCYRK8/s320/IMAG3059.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Degrading cat toys and other reminders that a cat lived here previously.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5PCirM7npVvgGcza2Fgu-1bak-9AhoqifdqYEtUBSSYaU3c9-8cRo9fkwJY9SOJFLvr9HiRKMBqKZLIv_2XpEWsMTQG9WL0ehEWh5kwenab6GWVlHv-YKjJrP8F3vJBq8YC1C4DKy8Xk/s1600/IMAG3044.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="905" data-original-width="1600" height="181" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5PCirM7npVvgGcza2Fgu-1bak-9AhoqifdqYEtUBSSYaU3c9-8cRo9fkwJY9SOJFLvr9HiRKMBqKZLIv_2XpEWsMTQG9WL0ehEWh5kwenab6GWVlHv-YKjJrP8F3vJBq8YC1C4DKy8Xk/s320/IMAG3044.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">So thankful to be able to sleep in my own bed on the first night...<br />
and beyond grateful to sleep soundly all through the night!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7ugtuJ5_QGMTtzHecndTjJrUcTEPX8EkKvJTvBgwk3MfcWnLE9IKPye3qiTB5QH7rH6-1lc8ryNoL47I3tLr5j6_zgSVGKsefm9rSilC6edwwc1yMuS-CJ8ILH64DRZxkoGgF36zjsh8/s1600/IMAG3061.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="905" data-original-width="1600" height="181" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7ugtuJ5_QGMTtzHecndTjJrUcTEPX8EkKvJTvBgwk3MfcWnLE9IKPye3qiTB5QH7rH6-1lc8ryNoL47I3tLr5j6_zgSVGKsefm9rSilC6edwwc1yMuS-CJ8ILH64DRZxkoGgF36zjsh8/s320/IMAG3061.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My parents came just about every day after the closing to help me clean and paint. <br />
Dad would do the edging while I was at work; I would come home each night and roll.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuLwvmZ4eKu3AywR3PTs2K1IrRlYC3eQKabi3r2M2kTEI1-E5wgX9bcwOEAwDB2qG2J94vuzen_QC34I7XZ2YATQSxjG6y2pnNa83majaYhSkKBKZCW1AXP8Hq6MQlEEmsPiMKmyFGGl4/s1600/IMG_20171111_160512_162.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1107" data-original-width="1600" height="221" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuLwvmZ4eKu3AywR3PTs2K1IrRlYC3eQKabi3r2M2kTEI1-E5wgX9bcwOEAwDB2qG2J94vuzen_QC34I7XZ2YATQSxjG6y2pnNa83majaYhSkKBKZCW1AXP8Hq6MQlEEmsPiMKmyFGGl4/s320/IMG_20171111_160512_162.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Before I could hang clothes in my closet, I had to hang some cake pans.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-suvfSoJnVSqXWxYuH1KQPWB98cXhybCesPhNaJ8C9dVHkVldUdlqUvvXBkcEE4vTkF7bkkX7xUm03HK2l3pE3KS_kvYhSLc6cWKt86SCekck6ja67JaZNGcJYNAmmbnyS7zuyXfE5ak/s1600/IMG_20171124_004413_574.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1009" data-original-width="1600" height="201" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-suvfSoJnVSqXWxYuH1KQPWB98cXhybCesPhNaJ8C9dVHkVldUdlqUvvXBkcEE4vTkF7bkkX7xUm03HK2l3pE3KS_kvYhSLc6cWKt86SCekck6ja67JaZNGcJYNAmmbnyS7zuyXfE5ak/s320/IMG_20171124_004413_574.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Leaning art. Remembering my girl.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_fKFIyMzM3MJLCdH47ws5Vbz2zc0HXUO3vKkv2vzkPNd4_ORQEvGflieqlQUbJeAC36-RBhP578ZuY8K3MFXgtgkVJx9NEv0AbIKI3GU5ftX4aca-vbXk9Dbr5ySK4I_J42xzjXlix_4/s1600/IMAG3087.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="905" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_fKFIyMzM3MJLCdH47ws5Vbz2zc0HXUO3vKkv2vzkPNd4_ORQEvGflieqlQUbJeAC36-RBhP578ZuY8K3MFXgtgkVJx9NEv0AbIKI3GU5ftX4aca-vbXk9Dbr5ySK4I_J42xzjXlix_4/s320/IMAG3087.jpg" width="181" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I hope the next Legro kid likes books!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXXDw6SCaGS-8ZiJRf9_zekZDrdXhxIUfc4qzkAuDUjcbSSjBE74p40MOH1REHd5EJfoHzOnGjGHBj6R3cKsP3ih7snglE6WSUXru_GhPset1tzxxECEBn3AjH2PbW7RxGkPxSoI9NX9c/s1600/IMAG3068.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="905" data-original-width="1600" height="181" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXXDw6SCaGS-8ZiJRf9_zekZDrdXhxIUfc4qzkAuDUjcbSSjBE74p40MOH1REHd5EJfoHzOnGjGHBj6R3cKsP3ih7snglE6WSUXru_GhPset1tzxxECEBn3AjH2PbW7RxGkPxSoI9NX9c/s320/IMAG3068.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This view!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="905" data-original-width="1600" height="181" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_RdJValDjGqrMo4Oq1T4udZIUR0x5MxDFP3bJK6yJA-gIhTqIKLvi6JYBBdDDUBG9FWMHwRoZiKx0nufEL6yvSgd9CcVethSMfJWQEH2DDlMF7MuqharI9t2LtyJZPoEIwO7wD2S1IRc/s320/IMAG3083.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And this!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<div>
I am amazed! Thank you, Lord!</div>
Chosen and Lovedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16464033557689642653noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5551483191133810749.post-67643035752216293952017-11-29T22:47:00.000-05:002017-11-29T22:47:00.708-05:00Prepare to be AmazedI meant to post this back in September, but I wasn't sure how this chapter of my story was going to end so I waited...<br />
<br />
<br />
The day before my bank was supposed to issue the mortgage commitment letter, I received an email stating that it wasn't looking good for my mortgage to be approved. There was a problem on the part of the condo association and the amount of money in reserves that they had. By the time I read the email it was past closing time and I was unable to contact the bank. My wonderful realtor and I prayed and chatted about next steps.<br />
<br />
The bank called me before 9 a.m. on Friday morning and told me that the mortgage was denied. After I got off the phone with the bank, I stopped by Drew Mortgage down the street from my apartment to see if they might be able to help. I was not given much hope. I cried as I headed to work.<br />
<br />
I asked a few people to pray about the situation. A couple of them responded by saying something to the effect of "when God closes a door" and all I could think was "In 15 days I won't have any door to go through". I believe that it is true that sometimes God does close a door, but I also believe that sometimes Satan tries to get in the way of God's blessings.<br />
<br />
When I got to Chapel, my wonderful realtor (have I mentioned how wonderful my realtor is?!?!) was finishing up the women's book study she facilitates. We spent some time trying to figure out what to do next. She said that five other units in this condo association have been sold in the last six months. We reasoned that it has to be possible to get some sort of mortgage since they probably all didn't pay cash. She called a mortgage lender that she knew and we talked to him about what was going on. He explained that if I put 10% down, rather than just 5%, that the mortgage company would not have to do a thorough review of the condo association's finances. We then started the process of applying for a mortgage through this lender.<br />
<br />
Once we got everything rolling, the lender said to her a simple phrase that really stood out to me: "Prepare to be amazed!" I'm sure this phrase has been used in a lot of movies or TV shows, but I recognize it as a quote from the movie <i>Meet the Robinsons</i>. If you've been following this blog since KK passed, you know that one of the phrases that has been part of my vocabulary has been "Keep moving forward." It is not only a direct quote from Walt Disney, but it is the theme of this movie. I just felt like God was saying, "I've got this. Prepare to me amazed!"<br />
<br />
To be continued...Chosen and Lovedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16464033557689642653noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5551483191133810749.post-73498720545722217632017-11-28T20:46:00.001-05:002017-12-28T19:35:51.121-05:00Loaded Questions...They Just Keep ComingI have learned how to answer some of the loaded questions I mentioned in <a href="https://chosenandloved.blogspot.com/2017/06/loaded-questions.html" target="_blank">this blogpost</a>. If you have asked me how I am lately, you may have heard me answer "Moving forward." I may not always be doing well or even okay, but I am doing the work to keep moving forward...be it ever so slowly.<br />
<br />
In addition to learning how to answer some of those loaded questions, Dr. Chuck has helped me <a href="https://chosenandloved.blogspot.com/2017/09/looking-ahead.html" target="_blank">prepare for times</a> that we know are going to be hard. For example, holidays are expected to be hard so I have had to prepare a Plan A as well as a Plan B for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I have also realized that buying a Christmas tree and doing taxes are going to be hard, so I have made plans for both of those as well.<br />
<br />
I have to prepare for these times that I know are going to be hard, because I know there are going to be other hard times that hit me out of the blue. For Thanksgiving, those "hits" came from more loaded questions. Well-meaning people or people that don't know my story have asked innocent-enough questions. Questions like "Do you have anything fun planned for Thanksgiving?" and "How was your Thanksgiving?" have absolutely wrecked me over the last week.Chosen and Lovedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16464033557689642653noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5551483191133810749.post-68150257111423804152017-09-22T22:53:00.001-04:002018-10-30T06:04:19.118-04:00Redefining EmotionsThis week, I have spent a lot of time thinking about how grief has affected my emotions. It seems like my emotions have been redefined by grief. It hasn't surprised me that feelings like sadness have been intensified. What has surprised me is how grief has tempered feelings of excitement and joy.<br />
<br />
For example, I mentioned in my <a href="https://chosenandloved.blogspot.com/2017/09/looking-ahead.html" target="_blank">last post</a> that I wasn't excited during a time when I expected to be -- and others expected me to be -- elated.<br />
<br />
I remember similar feelings when I attended the Beth Moore conference in August. One of the things that I found interesting was how I could sing about the goodness of God with tears streaming down my face, but I could not "Celebrate Good Times" during the "Dance Party" before the third session and had to walk out with tears streaming down my face.<br />
<br />
This week, I experienced another example of this. During the ice-breaker at LifeGroup, we were asked to name something we love, something we hate, and something that always makes us laugh. Everyone's answers were lighthearted and not serious at all (people were naming things like ice cream and coconut, not their spouses or children). I couldn't think of anything lighthearted at all...all I could think of was that I love my girl, I hate cancer, and nothing makes me laugh right now. I took a pass when my turn came around. The first two answers, though true, were way too difficult to verbalize. As for the latter, I honestly could not think of anything that has made me laugh recently. I know I have laughed in the last four months, but I could not pinpoint anything in particular...it would be safe to assume that it probably had something to do with a baby or child, but my head didn't even go there.<br />
<br />
The final catalyst for this blog post has been the constant question, "Are you excited about your move?" as the closing date on my new condo quickly approaches. To be perfectly honest, I can't say that I am excited...what I can say is that I'm looking forward to it.<br />
<br />
As I continue to do the grief work and keep moving forward, I know that one day my emotions will once again be redefined.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>"Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning."</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>~ Psalm 30:5 ~</i></div>
Chosen and Lovedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16464033557689642653noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5551483191133810749.post-85146334364766036172017-09-14T23:22:00.001-04:002017-11-28T21:54:11.412-05:00Looking AheadOne of the things I had to do for "homework" for counseling over the last two weeks was to look at a calendar and try to figure out what dates might be hard over the course of the next year. The idea being that there will be dates I know are going to be hard and there will be other dates that will take me by surprise, so let's prepare for the ones I know about it.<br />
<br />
Two important dates, KK's birthday and our "gotcha day", have already passed. Though I feel like I honored her well on those days, I just plowed through and felt completely exhausted and emotionally drained afterwards. Prior to this homework assignment, there were a couple "take me by surprise" moments like the one month anniversary of KK's death. A text from a friend on that day (as well as on the second month anniversary) saying she remembered and she was praying meant the world to me. It helped to know that I was not the only one remembering my girl.<br />
<br />
I began looking at the calendar with obvious dates in mind: Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, diagnosis, adoption day, Mother's Day, my birthday, and the day KK died. However, I couldn't think of anything besides the obvious.<br />
<br />
Then last week happened.<br />
<br />
Earlier in the summer, I bought tickets to a Patriots game for all the staff. At the time, I was so excited on so many levels: the tickets were for the kickoff of a new football season, it was going to be (Super Bowl) banner drop night, and the Patriots would be playing Pastor Derek's team, the Kansas City Chiefs (whom KK said she never considered to be real competitors). The week of the game, everyone kept asking me if I was excited. I was surprisingly not excited and I couldn't figure out why...until I was at the game. It was then that I realized the <a href="https://chosenandloved.blogspot.com/2015/09/go-pats.html" target="_blank">last game I was at was with KK on banner drop night</a>. As "Crazy Train" began playing and the Patriots ran onto the field, I teared up as I remembered KK's Celebration of Life. A friend who was watching the game at home texted me saying she teared up as she heard "Crazy Train". Again, it meant the world to me to know that I was not the only one remembering my girl.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1oQB4rQjiDG4bTCIzWVPtNKUur1rp_5AmK6FaaIFiubisrE7z6G3Gy_Pd9jtzUfA8ihETGoTIrHWcjxuGoJmJywlzZBoGS8xSquyxx_81KDpgpe7TkvRlKNMdLOQdUEwDpPqktKQnHYo/s1600/IMG_80091.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1202" data-original-width="1600" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1oQB4rQjiDG4bTCIzWVPtNKUur1rp_5AmK6FaaIFiubisrE7z6G3Gy_Pd9jtzUfA8ihETGoTIrHWcjxuGoJmJywlzZBoGS8xSquyxx_81KDpgpe7TkvRlKNMdLOQdUEwDpPqktKQnHYo/s200/IMG_80091.jpg" width="200" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1WXTNX5quDmEP2O52LlfWMH-ya4X8a6Q8tbZSMK23H0prv53ivI9Yn2aCeZlaGFC6kqlCTcBaYNdmH_fqylCsgYPTFlNCjMu6UiZiU_6XbnTr0QWn3oXe3NtWttEjC61LT3g_XdHEOlI/s1600/IMG_79951.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1202" data-original-width="1600" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1WXTNX5quDmEP2O52LlfWMH-ya4X8a6Q8tbZSMK23H0prv53ivI9Yn2aCeZlaGFC6kqlCTcBaYNdmH_fqylCsgYPTFlNCjMu6UiZiU_6XbnTr0QWn3oXe3NtWttEjC61LT3g_XdHEOlI/s200/IMG_79951.jpg" width="200" /></a><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;">Despite the sadness & </span><span style="font-size: x-small;">the fact that the Pats forgot to play for a full 4 quarters, </span><span style="font-size: x-small;">we had a lot of fun.</span></div>
<br />
This got me thinking of other dates, or rather events, that are going to be hard. <a href="https://chosenandloved.blogspot.com/2017/02/long-weekend.html" target="_blank">Super Bowl Sunday</a>, <a href="https://chosenandloved.blogspot.com/2016/01/hard.html" target="_blank">the next Star Wars movie</a>, vacation, and speaking at chapel at HCA are just a few of the ones I know are going to be hard.Chosen and Lovedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16464033557689642653noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5551483191133810749.post-42242599839252555412017-08-13T23:54:00.000-04:002017-08-13T23:54:04.661-04:00A Fitting Tribute<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwFpl6ZNzmX7wtU-qK8p6nZWAc8uCiLDVw_FLFgGCELFRrfxtLg2Us99bkBHc0Kbg9Zfely4bfao0rNcde-92z4ioBsxdNksl1LIn0stbzbQuSug4XD3vqB7gmN7mbM-xZ4WVc2WjzNVc/s1600/7266797936_ORIG.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1024" data-original-width="1280" height="256" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwFpl6ZNzmX7wtU-qK8p6nZWAc8uCiLDVw_FLFgGCELFRrfxtLg2Us99bkBHc0Kbg9Zfely4bfao0rNcde-92z4ioBsxdNksl1LIn0stbzbQuSug4XD3vqB7gmN7mbM-xZ4WVc2WjzNVc/s320/7266797936_ORIG.jpeg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small; text-align: start;">9 years ago today, my baby girl left her last foster home.</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrxMA_gvC5hoNAKr8y1pBusuGPtRkJul_sVE9JGr-cvuM9K2k8KckMFHfr9c51XgYuSrUbtQg0xJ1NV0cF970qH9kKYNJxqJQ7BBoNB6pE2Pjy6E8osLJ6Rs12BCfgt9S0X2pm09cKUL0/s1600/backpack+packing+party.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="644" data-original-width="644" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrxMA_gvC5hoNAKr8y1pBusuGPtRkJul_sVE9JGr-cvuM9K2k8KckMFHfr9c51XgYuSrUbtQg0xJ1NV0cF970qH9kKYNJxqJQ7BBoNB6pE2Pjy6E8osLJ6Rs12BCfgt9S0X2pm09cKUL0/s320/backpack+packing+party.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small; text-align: start;">Tonight, I had the opportunity to help kids in foster care <br />by packing over 100 backpacks with my church family.</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Chosen and Lovedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16464033557689642653noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5551483191133810749.post-2018268321049364442017-08-12T15:07:00.000-04:002017-11-28T21:51:19.396-05:00Keep Moving Forward<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>"Around here, however, we don't look backwards for very long. </i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>We keep moving forward..." </i></div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
<i>~ Walter Elias Disney </i></div>
<br />
When I sent my rent check in July, I wrote a letter asking my landlord to address a few things that have been ongoing since I moved in 4 years ago (including the cat urine smell that intensifies in the humidity). When I didn't hear anything right away (actually, I didn't hear anything until August 3 right before they went on vacation), I began looking at my finances and decided that it might be time to buy my own place.<br />
<br />
I started looking for homes with an in-law apartment and found a cute little place in Shrewsbury. I went to the open house with Bethany one Sunday after church and loved the "tiny house" feel of the main floor. Though the seller considered it to be in "move in" condition, a walk-through with a contractor friend from church proved otherwise. Unfortunately, the seller was unwilling to negotiate on the price so I knew it wasn't for me.<br />
<br />
As I continued browsing homes online, I found a nice little condo with an in-law suite last Thursday. A realtor friend from church arranged for us to see the property on Friday. After a little negotiating, I put down a deposit on Monday and had the home inspection yesterday. If all goes well, I will have the deed on October 10.<br />
<br />
When I told Dr. Chuck my plans on Thursday and the reasoning behind the "in-law suite", he told me I am weird. I always knew I was weird, now it's official (though I'm pretty sure that "weird" is not a clinical diagnosis). He said that he usually counsels people not to make major life decisions in the first year of grief. In my case, he doesn't see any reason to offer that advice since I have thoroughly thought about and prayed this through. He did give me two homework assignments this week (that's what I get for "celebrating" last week when he didn't give me any homework). The homework: start packing and ask for help.<br />
<br />
As for the first...I have less than 2 months to pack. I wonder how many boxes I will need to pack each day between now and the closing date.<br />
<br />
And for the second assignment...I'm putting it out there: I need help. Granted, most of the help isn't needed until October, but I am putting the "to do" list (including things noted during the home inspection) together now...<br />
<ul>
<li>The seller has a cat and I had trouble breathing by the time I left both times. Once I can get into the condo, the walls will need to be steamed and cleaned (dander is a sticky substance that sticks to every surface).</li>
<li>HVAC cleaning (see reasoning above).</li>
<li>Walls and ceilings will most likely need to be painted. </li>
<li>There are a couple small areas where grout needs to be fixed.</li>
<li>Recaulking is needed in a few areas.</li>
<li>I will need a plumber and electrician to install a washer and dryer in the utility room in the in-law suite.</li>
<li>Though this is not a priority and may need to wait for a while (especially since it could be costly), I will need an electrician/HVAC to separate the heat/AC system into two units.</li>
<li>I will need lots of help moving. I have a lot of stuff. I am going to work on purging between now and then, but the hoarder in me is already throwing a tantrum.</li>
</ul>
Chosen and Lovedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16464033557689642653noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5551483191133810749.post-45724633849404620632017-08-09T23:28:00.000-04:002017-08-10T22:38:56.503-04:00To Sleep, Perchance to Dream......ay, there's the rub.<br />
<br />
Don't worry, this post is all about literal sleep (or a lack thereof) and not the figurative sleep Hamlet implied.<br />
<br />
During the first month of grieving, there were several nights that I had trouble falling asleep because my mind wouldn't shut off. Normally, it is a rare night that I have trouble falling asleep and I find that I'm able to fall asleep as soon as I write down whatever I'm thinking about...not so during those first few weeks. For example, I remember replaying everything I said over and over wondering if I shared everything I needed to the night of KK's Celebration of Life. Thoughts such as these weren't things I could just write down and be done with them.<br />
<br />
The other thing that interrupted my sleep during the first month was a couple horrible dreams. I can count on one hand the amount of dreams I remember throughout my life...these dreams I can't forget. The first dream was short, but memorable. In the dream, I was yelling at KK and woke up with an intense feeling of anger. When I realized it was a dream, I felt awful and was unable to fall back to sleep. The second dream was much more detailed, but the details were all wrong. In the dream, KK was reading in the dark (no night light or other ambient light) in the futon bed (which she hadn't slept in since January) way past her bedtime. I was mad and started quickly slapping her face (her hair was short and fuzzy like when it started growing in) until she put the book down. I told her to go to the bathroom since she was already awake. As she walked to the bathroom, I noticed she was dragging her left leg (she had right-sided weakness, not left) and asked if she was having a seizure. She turned to look at me and nodded her head yes. I woke up at that point and just cried. Needless to say, I couldn't go back to sleep. As I tried to process the why behind these dreams, I reasoned that it was the "anger" part of grief coming out subconsciously.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
So now you can understand why <a href="https://chosenandloved.blogspot.com/2017/06/loaded-questions.html" target="_blank">I wrote</a> this back in June:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Finally, don't text or call early in the morning or late at night even if you know the person is a morning person or night owl. I'll say it again, grieving is exhausting. Sleep is a precious thing and sometimes it doesn't come easily.</blockquote>
Thankfully, I haven't had any more dreams like those. I haven't had nights where my mind is racing either. However, I have not slept through the night in weeks. I am waking up multiple times each night and having trouble falling back to sleep at least one of those times. I have never had trouble sleeping like this for such an extended period of time. I am so tired. I have tried taking naps in the evening. I have tried not taking naps in the evening. I have tried going to bed earlier. I have tried going to bed later. I have taken supplements. I have begun diffusing essential oils. Please pray for restful and restorative sleep.Chosen and Lovedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16464033557689642653noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5551483191133810749.post-74428677508604599212017-07-29T22:26:00.000-04:002017-07-30T18:17:16.966-04:00#playforKK Patriots and Princess StyleWhen KK was admitted to the hospital this spring, her friend Josiah Needham started a hashtag #playforKK (a little twist on #prayforKK). He decided to add K K to the back of his cleats and play his baseball games for KK. A few other kids from Chapel followed his lead to #playforKK as well. Then, when the middle schoolers went to HUME for summer camp, they chose to #playforKK in their competitions (and won!!!).<br />
<br />
When I was talking with Cori at Dana Farber on Monday, she asked what I was going to do on Friday for KK's birthday. I told her that I had no idea. She encouraged me to do something fun, even check something off my bucket list.<br />
<br />
Monday night, my friend Bethany (who happens to be Josiah's mom) texted me to find out if I had a plan for Friday. As I still had no plan, she suggested that we could #playforKK by catching a cheap flight to Disney on Friday morning then come home Saturday before anyone missed us. I thought that would be totally fun if it was any time other than summer...I do not do the heat and humidity that is summer in Florida. She then suggested going to New York for a show. I pointed out that would also be a great #playforKK day in an entirely different sense of the word. I told Bethany I would think more about it and talk to her at the office on Tuesday.<br />
<br />
As I thought more about it, I started looking at what shows were playing on Broadway and found Disney's Aladdin. My mind immediately started thinking "Patriots and Princess" and I remembered that Patriots training camp was open to the public this week. I started to get excited since this would also be a way to #playforKK. I told Bethany my ideas on Tuesday morning and we immediately finalized plans to go to Patriots training camp on Friday morning then drive into NYC to see Aladdin Friday night.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMvDCYGtdfcDr-dzco7H8FF1KeWSXJZytse8bdLnhGsZNI5KTd4ZkeH5NflvQas-FCD1udmPHzHnRNrgc_dAJpjSfGIvQZ-IeimMpbFLuBTaw61OLZKkk1Sa226vR55kZLv8278ZPLCkQ/s1600/packed.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1204" data-original-width="1600" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMvDCYGtdfcDr-dzco7H8FF1KeWSXJZytse8bdLnhGsZNI5KTd4ZkeH5NflvQas-FCD1udmPHzHnRNrgc_dAJpjSfGIvQZ-IeimMpbFLuBTaw61OLZKkk1Sa226vR55kZLv8278ZPLCkQ/s400/packed.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
Unfortunately, Bethany was diagnosed with pneumonia on Wednesday and was heart-broken when she told me that she had to cancel. I cried as this "perfect plan" to #playforKK with a Patriots and Princess theme seemed to be falling apart. After a few minutes of tears, I decided that I would just go alone since I had already bought the tickets and paid for the hotel. A little while later, I decided to text my friend Cheryl to see if she had any plans for Friday and Saturday. She responded, "We going to Disney?" (Hmmm, am I that predictable? Nevermind, don't answer that!) I explained to her the plans and she was game, despite being a Steelers fan.<br />
<br />
So, early Friday morning, we were off...<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnMYDZfICzqTdpsQTcI4f9JQcTFgYPTHhsF4Jcxp2LNkk7Hzh-0QQm2eM8hDqTiYLmTYWGUmS_jRhtO6fNLn8Lv5uiiVMGo3zPh14TV0AX15MjShdbhTVBZdpZZUiXkkinUM2C22GwZbA/s1600/patriots+1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="705" data-original-width="1600" height="173" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnMYDZfICzqTdpsQTcI4f9JQcTFgYPTHhsF4Jcxp2LNkk7Hzh-0QQm2eM8hDqTiYLmTYWGUmS_jRhtO6fNLn8Lv5uiiVMGo3zPh14TV0AX15MjShdbhTVBZdpZZUiXkkinUM2C22GwZbA/s400/patriots+1.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-i-__1wK7YSVzNc6agPIyy8a_jXMsqOVkPbP5lS9V9JRdoafW05e8FBszsSgqQsql0jpfgOuVfNs-A5xQMIzYG_8iVf-VgVEeWo3tUoCq289-Ut4fgMTe-bBMveGis3EdWeSmtfOGCFE/s1600/patriots+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="640" height="299" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-i-__1wK7YSVzNc6agPIyy8a_jXMsqOVkPbP5lS9V9JRdoafW05e8FBszsSgqQsql0jpfgOuVfNs-A5xQMIzYG_8iVf-VgVEeWo3tUoCq289-Ut4fgMTe-bBMveGis3EdWeSmtfOGCFE/s400/patriots+2.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgujXx1qK0Z2_tP5dEJsRf2wyfzUULsT65fHRfOg72GsjeqCOxPuww3hosK3GkEjuWcb5QIPJSgNSlYOQhuDGwxL2AfUwdz7yRRPRpkknfFqUgXfMTJavThAUE8txb6ztfmWM4Q8IYZWxg/s1600/aladdin+1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1400" data-original-width="1111" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgujXx1qK0Z2_tP5dEJsRf2wyfzUULsT65fHRfOg72GsjeqCOxPuww3hosK3GkEjuWcb5QIPJSgNSlYOQhuDGwxL2AfUwdz7yRRPRpkknfFqUgXfMTJavThAUE8txb6ztfmWM4Q8IYZWxg/s200/aladdin+1.jpg" width="156" /></a> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiichW2PpV5KhPRlbp8NxqAhYfqpV5XrHq-lWuplKJMux9tJG89w1LE3odFnuH4GVl0uc9FbRMZLLoQI2JAaOG4h3eb-cmjw86KUlbrwm5pcLG51YR4Ga7MFxbZD4k8Tx4FEZ-U5RQ1x80/s1600/aladdin+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1088" data-original-width="966" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiichW2PpV5KhPRlbp8NxqAhYfqpV5XrHq-lWuplKJMux9tJG89w1LE3odFnuH4GVl0uc9FbRMZLLoQI2JAaOG4h3eb-cmjw86KUlbrwm5pcLG51YR4Ga7MFxbZD4k8Tx4FEZ-U5RQ1x80/s200/aladdin+2.jpg" width="177" /></a></div>
<br />
It was a perfect way to #playforKK on her birthday!<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitM_NqMerP0Nl5yuOpiWC0oxUcL_RvzZv31SKY3uLy5Lh5QLAX4S6XwWizvlKtv0xBTD6IqPKKUGDwoTMP9R7pNA7P3z4KlR9hRCebLza_tTe5ApTKA582RILoL8_o4EoaHqMuz1az8G0/s1600/nyc+disney.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="905" data-original-width="1600" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitM_NqMerP0Nl5yuOpiWC0oxUcL_RvzZv31SKY3uLy5Lh5QLAX4S6XwWizvlKtv0xBTD6IqPKKUGDwoTMP9R7pNA7P3z4KlR9hRCebLza_tTe5ApTKA582RILoL8_o4EoaHqMuz1az8G0/s400/nyc+disney.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">...and I got to enjoy a little bit of Disney along the way.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Chosen and Lovedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16464033557689642653noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5551483191133810749.post-91122746735434098052017-07-28T00:00:00.000-04:002017-07-28T00:00:35.947-04:00Happy Birthday Wishes, KK!<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjp9C3IGMxt-A_UbS9LQS2So3u8jbr5VSKbx-NDRAKMiNv9RxN-7ETFfaMOFUkbGjO6DNYZ5mPxpvlk5LcSfdKCMxgrwt1dwDiBlEq7at0uTZzbf11BWkf-dmgEVmXyR6c7jGbJwiwrpbM/s1600/IMAG2900.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1030" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjp9C3IGMxt-A_UbS9LQS2So3u8jbr5VSKbx-NDRAKMiNv9RxN-7ETFfaMOFUkbGjO6DNYZ5mPxpvlk5LcSfdKCMxgrwt1dwDiBlEq7at0uTZzbf11BWkf-dmgEVmXyR6c7jGbJwiwrpbM/s320/IMAG2900.jpg" width="204" /></a><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
May the kids in homeless shelters celebrating birthdays this week have the happiest of days in honor of KK's birthday! It was a joy, even through the tears, making these cakes for you.<br />
<br />
Thank you to all who have given to our <a href="http://www.mybirthdayfor.com/birthday-wishes/kilaharee-legro" target="_blank">Birthday Wishes campaign</a> thus far so Birthday Wishes can continue throwing these special birthday parties. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzKarS4t4X7XiIsWBOFCh9D-sh0jeivUqxNhgtu_vNbNuja08Dbd6S-nVfAUBGdmmJj8N0BNFnY5_-ym1_LSlMgzMT5PVqwF567YDpyNxyV_zFypqV_WDyg17hdNxNdAHydRFs1Xe3YcI/s1600/IMAG2896.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1018" data-original-width="1600" height="252" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzKarS4t4X7XiIsWBOFCh9D-sh0jeivUqxNhgtu_vNbNuja08Dbd6S-nVfAUBGdmmJj8N0BNFnY5_-ym1_LSlMgzMT5PVqwF567YDpyNxyV_zFypqV_WDyg17hdNxNdAHydRFs1Xe3YcI/s400/IMAG2896.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<br />Chosen and Lovedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16464033557689642653noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5551483191133810749.post-26451791736019897542017-07-18T23:57:00.000-04:002017-08-12T15:08:18.855-04:00To Thine Own Self Be True<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<i>I need to preface this post with a little info for those that may not know me well:</i></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
</div>
<ul>
<li><i>I am pretty self-aware. For example, I am not usually surprised by the results of annual reviews (though I still have anxiety issues going into them). </i></li>
<li><i>I am an introvert. <i>I often joke that I don't like people. </i><i>The truth is I don't do well in large groups of people. I</i>t is draining to be in large groups. (I am fully aware -- see above -- there is another reason I don't do well with people, but I'll leave it at that for this blog.)</i></li>
<li><i>I am a processor. It takes time for me to think through possibilities and figure things out. Sometimes I wish I could just answer "off the cuff", but I know that my answer to a question or solution to a problem will be better if I have time to process. (This also plays into why I don't do well in large groups of people.)</i></li>
</ul>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
The grief has been overwhelming at times.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
I recognize that no two people will grieve the same way, I just wonder if what I'm experiencing is normal. In that vein, I sought out a bereavement group for parents who have lost children to cancer. My hope was that talking with people who have been through similar experiences would assure me that I'm okay. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
I attended one meeting in June and a second meeting last Wednesday. Unfortunately, I walked away from both of those meetings feeling pretty discouraged. Honestly, I have no idea why I thought a group like that would be helpful. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
The group consists of a large number of people that all need time to process and to talk. Besides introducing myself, there was no time for me to share as the facilitator spent the majority of the time checking in with other members of the group who have been there for years. Not that it matters much, since I am pretty quiet in group settings anyway. In addition to all that, the subject matter is tough and I need more time than usual to process and talk.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
As soon as I got home from the bereavement group last week, I emailed a long-time psychologist friend to see if he had any time available to meet with me. He responded, "So let's get you in." </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
The next day, I shared with our associate pastor that I didn't think the bereavement group was a good fit for me and that I emailed Dr. Chuck to meet with him. Daryl simply said that made more sense for me. The phrase from Shakespeare's <i>Hamlet </i>immediately came to mind: "To thine own self be true." I guess the whole self-aware thing got lost somewhere in the grief. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHCBdFgbX_qXDPmtdN9_RybKPP81ZECqextf2mGJrUArPgOPcXBgZRlBM1J3c4_o9rfCikp_jEPeBTaHaLPXCc4iTMBJ5oEj_DglWyoX2l1cgC7X9x8pS9-X6af1R6eydbuTEnUr99bvc/s1600/IMAG2894.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="905" data-original-width="1600" height="226" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHCBdFgbX_qXDPmtdN9_RybKPP81ZECqextf2mGJrUArPgOPcXBgZRlBM1J3c4_o9rfCikp_jEPeBTaHaLPXCc4iTMBJ5oEj_DglWyoX2l1cgC7X9x8pS9-X6af1R6eydbuTEnUr99bvc/s400/IMAG2894.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I took this picture on my way home from counseling. It reminded me that, <br />
yes, there is beauty in the rearview mirror, but the sun is shining ahead.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Chosen and Lovedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16464033557689642653noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5551483191133810749.post-21058776434864206492017-07-10T13:42:00.001-04:002017-07-10T13:42:20.015-04:00Birthday WishesAs you may or may not know, KK would have turned 15 on July 28. To honor her, I have set up a Birthday Wishes Campaign in her memory.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtv7k5XcxIj0k4BdfLhhme2ugynOJO36qYyskiWa7Az63XNnwEVgHT9elUIUi0fOZ9K1l0Qxg2yFO43agCLUYmtV0t0pnGjuWhqKfDw0Uo4gqU8-GA74RwtFErTRY-b4w6p_SvhtLwB3A/s1600/P8150049.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="833" data-original-width="1111" height="149" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtv7k5XcxIj0k4BdfLhhme2ugynOJO36qYyskiWa7Az63XNnwEVgHT9elUIUi0fOZ9K1l0Qxg2yFO43agCLUYmtV0t0pnGjuWhqKfDw0Uo4gqU8-GA74RwtFErTRY-b4w6p_SvhtLwB3A/s200/P8150049.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
Birthday Wishes is an organization that KK and I have enjoyed supporting over the years. I will be making cakes for two shelters celebrating multiple birthdays at the end of July. Would you consider giving a gift to Birthday Wishes in KK's memory so they can continue to throw birthday parties for kids living in homeless shelters in our area?<br />
<br />
Here is the link to <a href="http://www.mybirthdayfor.com/birthday-wishes/kilaharee-legro" target="_blank">KK's Birthday Wishes Campaign</a>. Please pass this along to those you think may be interested in honoring KK in this way as I don't know how many people still read this blog.Chosen and Lovedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16464033557689642653noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5551483191133810749.post-70280491703769511672017-06-27T08:31:00.000-04:002017-08-09T23:28:32.284-04:00Loaded QuestionsShortly after KK died, I told Daryl, our associate pastor, that there are two questions people should not be allowed to ask someone who is grieving: "How are you?" and "What do you need?"<br />
<br />
<b>How are you?</b><br />
I've always hated this question for two reasons:<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>We (I mean me) ask it so flippantly. One Sunday when I was in my early twenties, I remember my pastor asked me if I really wanted to know how he was when I asked him how he was. It really made me think.</li>
<li>We feel compelled to ask "How are you?" in return. Over the years, I have caught myself replying "I'm well. How are you?" then walking off without waiting for the other person's answer. Obviously, I didn't want to know how they were...and that is so not okay.</li>
</ul>
<br />
Right now, I don't know how to answer people when they ask me how I am. When I'm asked in real life or on the phone, I almost always tear up and have a hard time speaking. When I'm asked via text, I tear up and put the phone down. Most times I don't have the energy to "go there". Sometimes I wonder if the person really wants to know or if he/she just wants me to say that I'm doing well. If you really want to know, be forewarned that the answer may be messy. I have my good days and my bad days...or, more accurately, I have my good moments and my bad moments within each day.<br />
<br />
<b>What do you need?</b><br />
Oh, man...I really don't know how to answer this question. The only thing that I <b><i>need</i></b> is my girl back. Other than that, I often have no idea what I need or what you can do to help. And when I do know, I don't want to impose upon you. You have a life. You have a family. You don't need me to add to your plate.<br />
<br />
<b>So, what's a person to </b><b>say </b><b>or </b><b>do?</b><br />
Rather than asking these questions, I would suggest the following:<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>Let the person grieving know that you are praying for them and thinking about them. </li>
<li>Make it known that you don't expect a reply or a call or a thank you.</li>
<li>Don't put the responsibility on the grieving person to contact you. </li>
<li>Try to think of what the other person wants, not what you would want (i.e. you may want a hug, but hugs may be overwhelming to <strike>others</strike> me).</li>
<li>Offer to do something specific (go out to eat, make a meal, etc.), but be okay with a "No, thank you" or a last-minute cancellation (the person may be doing well when making plans on Monday, but who knows what Tuesday will bring...grieving is exhausting). </li>
<li>If you really want to know how the person is doing, ask specific questions and be prepared to listen. Even then, consider the setting before you ask. The answer could be messy and the grieving person may not want to fall apart in front of a room full of people.</li>
<li>Finally, don't text or call early in the morning or late at night even if you know the person is a morning person or night owl. I'll say it again, grieving is exhausting. Sleep is a precious thing and sometimes it doesn't come easily.</li>
</ul>
<div>
I feel the need to mention a couple more things:<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>It is okay to talk about your life. My loss and grief do not minimize what you are going through. I need to get out of my own head and think about others.</li>
<li>It is okay to talk about KK...just remember to consider the setting and be okay with a "not right now" kind of response. I love her and miss her terribly. I want to know that she had an impact on your life, that you think about her, and that you miss her too.</li>
</ul>
</div>
Chosen and Lovedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16464033557689642653noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5551483191133810749.post-61803173582792898672017-06-26T14:11:00.000-04:002017-06-26T14:11:31.167-04:00When My Heart Is Overwhelmed<div style="text-align: left;">
I first listened to this two weeks ago and needed to hear it again today...</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="230" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/z6duAZW-qI4" width="410"></iframe></div>
Chosen and Lovedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16464033557689642653noreply@blogger.com1